I’ve had people in my life die before, but because I really believed God was going to heal her, that is what was such a crushing blow to me. I questioned everything. I questioned whether or not I could hear from God. I questioned why He allows things like this to happen to His people who are called by His name.

Why would He allow a mother of two young sons to die, leaving a husband behind to take care of them by himself? If I’m being honest, I questioned His existence. I started to think, “Am I praying to someone who’s not hearing me at all? Am I even praying to anybody up there whatsoever?”

CCM: Overcomer inspired thousands of people. Did you reference those works as a way to overcome those doubts?
No, I didn’t want to listen to anything that had to do with Jesus. I didn’t listen to Christian radio. That’s a big deal for me, because I’m the biggest Christian music fan.

Mandisa, CCM Magazine - image
I didn’t pray. I didn’t open my Bible. I didn’t go to church. I didn’t want to be around people who I knew carried the light of Jesus because I wanted to stay in the dark. I was mad at God.


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