CCM: … you think it’s terrifying—who God is?
DM: Yeah, because I don’t think He will be what we want. He never has been. He gives grace when I want justice, and He brings justice when I want grace.
I want a God who doesn’t let your brother die in a car wreck when he’s on his way to do a benefit concert for battered women or something. God, seriously, you’re the Almighty and you can’t keep one Jeep on the road? It’s like, “Could you just get on my plan here, God?” And I love that He won’t.
CCM: There’s a Nadia Bolz-Weber quote that says, “We want to go to God for answers, but sometimes what we get is His presence.” Perhaps He is the fullness of what we actually need.
DM: That’s the book of Job. Job’s been asking, “Why did all these things happen to me?” And God speaks, “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Where were you when I did this, when I did that?” At the end, Job goes, “My ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen You; therefore, I repent in dust and ashes.” God does not answer Job’s questions. He never tells Job why. We want to know why, but why will never satisfy us. God instead tells him, “I Am.” I Am matters.
CCM: Have you felt that in the loss of your brother?
DM: Absolutely. One of the things I found was that He was not mildly intimidated by my anger, and He never answered why. I still, at times, will wonder, Lord, why? He was 42. There had to be more songs. I would love to have heard the songs that came from his late 40s, from his 50s. God has not answered why, but the thing that He has done is said, “I Am, and I have worked through all things to bring good.” Spiritually, I can say I know God today in a way that I would not if September 19 , if twenty years ago had not happened. He has proven himself to be I Am, not I was or will be, but I Am. I Am here. I Am love. I Am good.
CCM: What is the most meaningful thing you have discovered about God in not having those questions answered?
DM: That He loves me enough to let me ask. That He really is not playing hide-and-seek, that He really does want to be known. Those questions stirred me to know Him. He’s used them to draw me in.
*Read more contributions from David about his brother, Rich, in the new book, Winds of Heaven, Stuff of Earth: Spiritual Conversations Inspired by the Life and Lyrics (buy) of Rich Mullins by Andrew Greer.