Your children may be afraid of losing you, too. They may wonder who’s going to teach them how to throw a ball, how to bake a cake, or what it means to be a man or woman. They may feel frustrated over being different from those at school who have a mom and dad, desperate to be “normal” like everybody else. They may long for “how it used to be” in the daily routines of your family.
As the parent of a child who has lost his or her spouse, you may find yourself feeling the load of increased responsibility for your grandchildren or the surviving spouse. Perhaps you want to help, but fear interfering. You may want to make everything better, and are frustrated that you can’t. You may hurt over the pain you see in your grandchildren’s eyes, and fear the long-term effects of this loss.
Loss of Your Parent
As an adult child, you may be surprised by the intensity of your grief over losing your parent, not having anticipated what it would feel like for mom or dad to be there no longer as a resource. It may make you far more aware of your own mortality, an uncomfortable reality. You may face conflict with your siblings over an inheritance, or conflicting emotions if your relationship with your parent was strained or unresolved.
You may also be hurting for your children, who no longer have the unconditional love of a grandparent.
Perhaps you feel resentment that your spouse doesn’t seem to get how much this loss hurts—or who seems unwilling to help you care for the widow or widower who’s now alone and needy.
As we articulate our understanding of how a loss has affected other family members, without evaluating or criticizing or ridiculing, we love each other well. Identifying our issues, feelings, and thinking patterns provides the foundation for addressing them.
How You’re Doing
The answer to the question, “How are we doing as a family?” has less to do with how much hurt you’re feeling and more to do with how well you’re caring for each other.
Asking yourselves questions like these can help:
• How are we doing in listening to and validating each other’s fears and concerns?
• How well are we doing in comforting?
• How well are we doing in lovingly confronting unhealthy coping and harmful thinking?
• How well are we doing in not insisting everyone else grieve in the same way and on the same timetable?
So . . .
How are you doing as a family?
You’re hurting.
You’re adjusting.
You’re trying to find a new normal.
You’re going through one of the hardest things a family ever has to go through.
So don’t be in a hurry. Don’t expect so much from yourself and each other. Give each other a lot of grace. Do everything you can to make your family a safe place to address your grief rather than avoid it.