Do you see yourself or other members of your family avoiding grief through any of these avenues? Grief is not to be avoided or ignored. It is not something you get over so you can go on; it is something you get through.
To help your family get through it, ignoring and avoiding won’t work. You’ll need to identify and address what each person in your family is thinking, feeling, and experiencing.
To Each His Own
It hurts when others ignore or dismiss your pain. But it can also be annoying when others want to examine and meddle in it. It’s frustrating when they seem to suggest that you aren’t grieving the “right” way, or on the “right” timetable.
What feels good is when those closest to us seek to understand our pain and even share it. This is what helps a family in grief grow close—as family members feel that others respect their individual losses as well as their individual expressions of grief.
It can be hard to find the energy to identify and understand what others in your family are feeling and experiencing when you feel overwhelmed by your own pain. But considering the pain of others is what draws out compassion and helps us to give each other space and grace.
Consider how various losses affect different family members in differing ways.
Loss of a Child
As a parent, you may be agonizing over the loss of your dreams for your child—what your child might have experienced and accomplished. You may be struggling with guilt over lost opportunities, missed cues, harsh words. While your spouse grieves, too, you may wonder why he or she seems so much sadder than you do—or doesn’t seem sad at all. You may feel frustrated by his or her unwillingness to talk about your child—or to stop talking about your child. You may find yourself gripped by fear over losing another child, and tending to overprotect your other children.
Those surviving children, meanwhile, may feel lost—unsure of where they fit into your family structure without that brother or sister. They may suffer “survivor guilt” and feel compelled to please you. They could fear the future as they see their parents, who used to be in control, struggle to cope with everyday matters. They might even fear that they will die themselves.
Grandparents are sometimes the forgotten mourners. Our society underestimates the impact of the death of a grandchild. But grandparents not only lose a beloved grandchild; they also experience the pain of watching their child grieve the loss. And parents never stop wanting to protect their child from pain.
Loss of a Spouse
If you’re the husband or wife who’s lost your mate, you may be feeling a sense of desperation about the future—wondering how you’ll get a meal on the table, pay the bills, make decisions on your own, endure the loneliness. You may have mixed feelings about whether or not you’ll marry again; perhaps you can’t stand the idea of spending the rest of your life alone, but it seems so hard to think about someone taking the place of your late spouse. You may find yourself leaning on one of your children for support, trying to turn him or her into a confidant. Perhaps you feel angry at your spouse for not seeking medical care earlier, angry with a doctor who misdiagnosed or mistreated, or angry with God.