Luckily, our beloved college had something special in store. Unbeknown to any of us, we were about to be given the gift of a lifetime. PBA called them “perspective students”; but by the time we were done with them, there was nothing perspective about them. Now, for those of you who don’t know, these are, simply, up-and-coming seniors in high school, trying to see what college life is all about. They come and look around; and, in this case, they stay in a suite to experience dorm life first hand. Poor guys. They never knew what hit them.

Let me just see if I can paint this picture for you.

Imagine you’re going to see a school that you’re fairly excited about. Located in south Florida, right by the Atlantic Ocean, you’re visiting Palm Beach Atlantic University; and you’re overwhelmed with joy. You’ll be hitting the surf, laying in the sun and hopefully hanging with some cool college kids. Hands down, you know it’s going to be the time of your life.

So after a visit with the admissions office, and a thorough inquisition on the beach and its whereabouts, you’re shown the way to Rinker dorm, where your counselor kindly escorts you to the door. They tell you to ride the elevator up to the fourth floor and turn right, room 408. You do. You give a knock, but no one answers. You wait. You try again, but this time you give the door a little nudge of frustration; and to your surprise, it swings open. A bit apprehensive now, you make your way down a narrow, dimly lit hallway and into a living room where you’re greeted not by some beachy college dudes but by a half-naked exchange student, beating a hand drum and screaming in horrible goat noises.

Think Empire Strikes Back, like the Ton Ton that Luke splits open and crawls inside? Well, he sounds like that. And suddenly, to your horror, he looks at you, hollering something in what seems to be Russian, and then resumes beating his drum while dancing hypnotically to the rhythm he’s creating.

In a bit of a panic, you scour the room with your eyes, hoping for someone or something to save you from this intensely awkward moment you’ve just walked into. No help. Nothing but a few lit candles and empty rooms surround you.

You stumble. You notice he’s wearing what appears to be a diaper constructed from bed sheets, and nothing but a large fur hat on top of his head. He’s getting angry now, and with no other alternatives, you simply turn and run. This is not what you signed up for, and it’s definitely not what you were expecting. This isn’t even something you could imagine seeing in a movie. But then, who could ever be expecting the fantastical ideas that Craig Stewart would concoct? None of us, I can assure you, and certainly not any of the students who came to visit that fateful year.

Every time it was the same story. Students came. Students went. After just one night, they would inevitably ask to be moved to another room. Something about feeling creeped out by the guy in 408, and then we’d never hear from them again.

Oh, those were good times; and looking back, I suppose, quite scandalous. I can’t help but wonder how many more freshmen PBA might have had that next year, had they not first sent them to the land of Craig. What might have happened had I not been placed on the fourth floor of Rinker dorm? I can’t be sure; but I do know, for your sakes, I hope you have a friend like Craig when you get to college. A friend who, for some reason, knows random phrases in Russian and really knows how to have a good time. I’m telling you, with a friend like Craig, your life will never be the same.

Mike Donehey is the lead singer and lyricist for Tenth Avenue North. All the members of the band met while students at Palm Beach Atlantic University. Their debut disc, Over and Underneath (Reunion), will hit stores May 20, 2008.